Even though I feel quite good...

***BEWARE: TRIGGER MATERIAL***

Even though really at the moment I'm feeling quite good and relaxed, I've started getting the desire to self harm again.  Its not like before either, this is like total self obliteration that I'm wanting to experience.  I guess it must mean that I'm high, but I don't feel very high.

Its wierd to explain.  Its not like just the sensation of self harm would be good enough.  Its like, if I'm going to cut my arms (which I'm not, its just a feeling), then I want to rip them open and pull out the tendons and ligaments and totally destroy them.  Or if I was going to commit suicide I would want to do it by exploding into tiny little pieces so that there was nothing left of me.

Even though I have these thoughts in my head I know that I don't want to self harm or to commit suicide.  I know that I'm not going to do any of these things.  I think its a good thing that I have that insight otherwise I might explode myself into nothingness just because it seems that since I think it I should do it.  I don't get where these thoughts come from.  I understand that I have a desire to self harm when stressed because it is a learned reaction to stress from a long time in my past.  I don't understand why at this time it seems that the desire has extended to self-obliteration.

Maybe this is part of the way that life is likely to be for me in the future.  I can deal with the thoughts so long as I know that I don't actually want to do anything about it.  And I suppose at the end of the day that the most important thing is having this insight as it seems like just about every day there's someone in the news doing some horrible things to themselves because something in their brain tells them that they want to.

Which makes you wonder, though, where these thoughts come from.  It feels like I didn't make it up myself.  It feels like it is being imposed from somewhere else.  Is this what people mean when they say that they feel like there's another presence in their brain??  Is this what hearing voices is like?  But I don't hear a voice...its like an instruction but its unembodied and its unvocalised.  I wish I could explain it better.

In any case, its there, its troubling me, but it isn't going to happen.  So I think that we can call this one a win.