Even though I feel quite good...

***BEWARE: TRIGGER MATERIAL***

Even though really at the moment I'm feeling quite good and relaxed, I've started getting the desire to self harm again.  Its not like before either, this is like total self obliteration that I'm wanting to experience.  I guess it must mean that I'm high, but I don't feel very high.

Its wierd to explain.  Its not like just the sensation of self harm would be good enough.  Its like, if I'm going to cut my arms (which I'm not, its just a feeling), then I want to rip them open and pull out the tendons and ligaments and totally destroy them.  Or if I was going to commit suicide I would want to do it by exploding into tiny little pieces so that there was nothing left of me.

Even though I have these thoughts in my head I know that I don't want to self harm or to commit suicide.  I know that I'm not going to do any of these things.  I think its a good thing that I have that insight otherwise I might explode myself into nothingness just because it seems that since I think it I should do it.  I don't get where these thoughts come from.  I understand that I have a desire to self harm when stressed because it is a learned reaction to stress from a long time in my past.  I don't understand why at this time it seems that the desire has extended to self-obliteration.

Maybe this is part of the way that life is likely to be for me in the future.  I can deal with the thoughts so long as I know that I don't actually want to do anything about it.  And I suppose at the end of the day that the most important thing is having this insight as it seems like just about every day there's someone in the news doing some horrible things to themselves because something in their brain tells them that they want to.

Which makes you wonder, though, where these thoughts come from.  It feels like I didn't make it up myself.  It feels like it is being imposed from somewhere else.  Is this what people mean when they say that they feel like there's another presence in their brain??  Is this what hearing voices is like?  But I don't hear a voice...its like an instruction but its unembodied and its unvocalised.  I wish I could explain it better.

In any case, its there, its troubling me, but it isn't going to happen.  So I think that we can call this one a win.

Music therapy

I guess I always new music was good for me but until recently I never really listened to the words of the songs that I wrote with the hindsight of being bipolar.  I guess if you look for it you can find it anywhere, but you can certainly find it in my lyrics, thats for sure.

Here's some of the more obvious ones for your delight:-

"You say I've lost my mind, then you list the other crimes, that keep me alive to love you."

"Lay me down and let me sleep, spend forever in broken dreams, cos I know I will be safe, til I can keep myself awake."

"This place where I've been, been trying to move on, no sign of an exit can't find my way home
Can't move to the left, no space to the right, this place is full of people til the dead of the night.
Its heartache city."

I guess that expression and music have to go hand in hand, and you can only really write what you know. I get my creativity coming through at its best when I'm manic, so it makes sense that I would want to express that conflicting feeling of elation and energy with being confined and overwhelmed and anxious and confused.  Its just a shame that when I'm having a mixed episode I tear it all up, all the good work, hundreds of songs that were probably just fine have been destroyed on a whim because I didn't like them at that time.

I hope music continues to be my therapy and that bipolar finds its muse.  Maybe those songs are the best way that I explain to my loved ones how it really feels and how to best help me.

When hearts hurt

Its not even like I got the chance to stop raving about how good I feel and then all of a sudden my heart hurts.  I want comfort now, but I don't know what I want to be comforted from.  I'm tired.  My head feels like its full of cotton wool, and my heart feels heavy.

The tears won't fall, which would probably help, and I can almost taste the pain that is sitting on my rib cage like a bag of potatoes.

Depression.

I can't wait for it to lift again.

When it feels bloody good

I need a minute to talk about the complexity of having a good day, then a very good day, then being told that you're manic.

Its not easy living with bipolar hanging over your head all of the time.  Its always just when you think that things are working out ok that you realise that you are sneaking up to a manic phase.  Its a bit shit really.

So up to today I've been feeling pretty good, and then maybe over the weekend I've been a bit manic, but I'm not over the edge and I'm enjoying it so how come I have to put up with everyone else's fears and worries.  I know my body and I know my mind, and I am sure that I can manage this time.  In fact, I'm not even that high.  I'm maybe in a hypo, and if I am then I don't see why I need to ring CMHT or see GPs.  Next time I'm just going to do it alone.

I know what I have to do.  I have to get to sleep on time, which is round about now, and I know that I need to control my routine this week - which is an unfortunate week to do it because everything is upside down with work. 

Finding something to keep me occupied on an evening would be good because otherwise my brain starts to chew a bit.  I mean tonight I'm on 2 tranqs and will probs take a 3rd before bed.  Yes I'm high but I can bring it down.

Am disappointed that my CPN and GP didn't acknowledge my call or thank me for telling them that I'm high....surely all this information is supposed to make it easier for them to treat me???

Anyway, to bed now and I reckon tomorrow is another day - AND IT WILL BE A BLOODY GOOD ONE.  Screw em.

What it means to be happy

We all say that we want to be happy - but what does that mean?

Some people need money to be happy.  Loads of it.  They need to be able to mash about in the stuff and throw it around and buy things.  I guess we all like a bit of money.  But I don't think that it makes me happy.  I work for a living. I work part time.  I guess if I needed money to be happy I'd work all the hours that God sends and keep my bank statements in frames.  Nope, I don't need money to be happy.

Some people need friends to be happy.  They need to surround themselves with people all the time.  They want to be the life and soul of the party.  They live their lives through a mirror, always wondering what other people are thinking about them, always trying to get themselves more friends.  Personally, I'm trying to cut back on my associates.  I have two or three real friends and my family and they keep me happy enough.  I guess I don't need a lot of friends to be happy.

Some people need to be loved to be happy.  Not just the love of their friends and family, but that extra passionate love that grew out of the movies and into our lives.  They live their lives walking on egg shells or burning hot coals.  Sounds mighty tiring to me.  (Sounds a bit bipolar lets be fair).  I like my love to be simple and heartfelt and unconditional.

So what makes me happy....medication, exercise, sleep, good food, good music and, most importantly, acceptance of myself.  And I wish you the same.

Rosie xxooxx

I would like to start....

I would like to start by telling you a bit about me, but I'm not gonna do that.  Things will emerge as I go, and for now I intend to talk about what's on my mind.

This isn't a bipolar thing, this is a girl vs boy in the dating ring thing.  Its a stand off, a battle....ten paces at dawn (no handbags please I can't be doing with the drama).  Its been only a couple of weeks, to be fair, and its too early to hit troubled waters (that means you got to go mister) - so I reckon this is all about my pride.

I'm not attached enough to care about what he thinks of me personally.  It sounds harsh but its true.  At this stage it is all about making sure that you're not the one who is rejected.  Just until you work out if you like them enough to care about anything else.

If I'm honest, I quite like him but he's blowing a bit hot and cold and that doesn't work for me.  It only goes towards pissing me off.  Its like our attempts at Facebook chat right now.  He's online, he's offline, he's online, he's offline...its driving me surely as mad as a hatter.

This shit doesn't work with me.  I just wanna know - are we seeing each other tomorrow or are we not seeing each other tomorrow?  Its driving me round the bend.

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now.  Lets see what happens tomorrow.  But for sure I'll say one thing...right now I'm medicated, healthy and in control.  Finally I appreciate that normies get stressed by this stuff too!!

Big hugs to the BPs and the normies alike

Rosie xxooxx